You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
