I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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