i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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