this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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