I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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