good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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