I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Randomize
