Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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