I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
