tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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