last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
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Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
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Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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