Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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