the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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