so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
