I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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