If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Randomize
