Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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