You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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