I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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