My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
