I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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