I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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