why didn't you poke me back
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
