First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
