I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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