My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
