it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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