flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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