"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
