ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
