I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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