I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
