Kiss
Puke
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
