I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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