This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
