is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Your penis caused this!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
