ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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