You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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