the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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