I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
