You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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