It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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