Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
