Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
