i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
two words...techno handjob
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
