I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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