how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
