I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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