i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
