So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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