Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
