As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize