I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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