Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
