I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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