i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
