Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
