i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
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There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
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Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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